The AltRaps Blog

Dear Diary,

I thought I might as well make an entry since I am back on the company jet, alone, and I finally can clear my head after ignoring all my scouts regarding the draft. Oh look, a V8!

My assistant told me that jealousy is running rampant in Toronto and some media folk are taking shots at my “Golden Boy” status that my Mommy and Daddy gave me. See what those jerks say when all they get is water and rice at the media buffet all season long at the arena. I do my best, I really really do. One day they will understand that unless you have a #1 pick, any other pick in the first round is useless. How can you possibly build a contender by keeping or acquiring first round picks? Nonono…you have to acquire players who make lots of money. If a player is making lots of money, they must be good!! For example, I love Jason Kapono’s wife. She is fine as hell. No way does she marry a guy who isn’t good. Jason should be rewarded and he has been. For a mere pittance I am able to ogle his wife at every home game. When the eyes have seen enough, I run upstairs and have textsex with Jackie Christie. I love how she directs me. Thank God we have all those red tshirts lying around…they are great for mop-up duty.

While getting ready for the draft, I felt like I needed a little pick-me-up. So, before heading out to Fluid to get jiggy, I wanted to slap on some sweet scent and slick the hair back. To my horror, when I went into my private bathroom, nothing was to be found. I immediately thought of that bastard Maurizio, so I tracked him down at Little Tony’s Pizza and asked him why he do. He immediately implicated Carlos. Carlos is now dead to me. He may be pretty and he make look hot in the shower, but nobody messes with my musk.

For the 26 hours a week I’m in Toronto, I have grown to like it. I would never move here, though. Nope. Have to keep my dream of Daddy and I running our own tailor shop alive. It would be perfect. We can cater to tall men. Daddy can pay for everything and I just have to select the right fabric. Won’t have to worry about the newest up and coming fashion, since we all know that old and classic wins the day. Just ask Shaq! He’s so dapper.

Guess I should go. The botox lady is almost ready to inject some sheep sperm into my crowsfeet at 30,000feet. Once that’s done and the mask is over my eyes, Sam will commence with the deep thigh massage as Maurizio massages my temples and Alex reads to me in his soft soothing voice. I’ve chosen “The Secret”. I think it will give me greater abilities to continue preaching the fastbreak offensive style that this Raptors team so desperately needs. Jermaine is a young stud and runs like a gazelle and jumps out of the gym. I just love those NBA Pre-Season mags from the 90s. Embry tells me that the info is out of date, but I looked at O’Neal’s photo and compared it to what I saw online and he looked identical.

Sorry for the smudge there…my cufflink dragged across the page.

Okay, I’ve got to go and get my pamper on. Need enough time to try and figure out how to convince Loren Woods to come back and shore up our front line. Says here he is 7’2”.

BC.