The AltRaps Blog

There’s never a day off when you’re covering the Bulls’ beat. It was during Thanksgiving week of 2003 that the smell of blood in the water signaled the demise of coach Bill Cartwright. Big Bill himself had been promoted to head coach following a bizarre Christmas Eve resignation by Tim Floyd in late 2001.

Today, John Paxson wrapped coach Scott Skiles’ pink skip in gold crepe paper and the search for his successor is on.

I’ll pass for the moment on questions of timing (anyone who believes it’s a total coincidence that two of the last three Bulls’ coaches have walked on what’s generally acknowledged to be the slowest news day of the year is dreaming), or whether or not it was deserved. The fact is that the search is on for Skiles’ successor. The phone lines are buzzing. An interim coach will take over for the next several games while a permanent successor is sought. And one of those folks that received a feeler today about taking over for the unlamented Skottles is a choice so inspired that, like the primitive Ewoks foiling the Emperor’s plans, it simply must be. I’m speaking of course of a man so far out in the wilderness these days that he’s forced to pathetically petition teams for interviews through the media: Mr. Larry Brown.

The logic of this move… well, there is none, except that Larry Brown, despite having the ethical compass of a Mediterranean man nervously fingering a violin case, is a great coach. But such a move would have several other delightful side-effects. To wit:

1. It would drive Isiah Thomas crazy. For the last six months, Stephon Marbury has been the resident lunatic on the Knicks. Hiring the man that Isiah hailed as a savior and then drove out of town just eight months later would be inspired comedy – particularly because the Bulls, even if they do no more than the little they’ve done thus far, are pretty much a shoo-in to finish with a better record than the Knicks.

2. It would drive Pistons’ fans crazy. The Bulls already have the Pistons’ number during the regular season – despite Chicago’s pathetic 9-16 record, they’ve already given the Pistons their only two losses against the Eastern Conference this year. Think about it: Detroit is 12-0 vs. the rest of the East, 0-2 vs. Chicago, and there’s Larry Brown roaming the sideline in the next game after giving his usual passive-aggressive comments in the media about Rasheed Wallace’s birthmark and Rip Hamilton’s filthy style of play.

3. It makes me look like a genius. From a purely selfish perspective, I’ve been calling on Larry Brown’s hiring for at least the last year, even before frighteningly predicting Scott Skiles’ Christmas Massacre (yes, I’m going to stand by that one, even though I make so many crazy predictions that some of them are bound to come true). He’s the perfect coach for a team of talented basketcases, from budding superstars afraid to take a big shot to undersized chuckers who have never seen a shot that didn’t look good to a point guard whose play from night to night seems determined by a throw of the I-Ching. Larry Brown will take their fragile psyches, shatter them, ship half of the team out of town and then leave in a huff, but hopefully not before leaving things in decent shape for the future.

There’s no word yet on other candidates, nor should there be any unless the Bulls want to ratchet up the crazy and hire some kook like the geriatric Doug Moe to at least make an entertaining show of this disaster of a season. Larry Brown is the choice, for so many reasons, only a few of them having to do with wins and losses.